A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle the French captured a British Colonel.They took him to their headquarters and the French General began to question him. Finally as an afterthought the French General asked “Why do you British officers all wear red coats? Don’t you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?” In his casual matter-of-fact way the British officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are wounded the blood won’t show and the men they are leading won’t panic. And that is why from that day forward all French officers wear brown trousers.
• If a dude pretends to be a woman, you are required to pretend with him.
• Somehow it’s un-American for the census to count how many Americans are in America.
• Russians influencing our elections are bad, but illegal Mexicans voting in our elections are good.
• It was cool for Joe Biden to "blackmail" the President of Ukraine, but it’s an impeachable offense if Donald Trump inquires about it.
• Twenty is too young to drink a beer, but eighteen is old enough to vote.
• People who have never owned slaves should pay slavery reparations to people who have never been slaves.
• Inflammatory rhetoric is outrageous, but harassing people in restaurants is virtuous.
• People who have never been to college should pay for free college
• Immigrants with tuberculosis and polio are welcome, but you’d better be able to prove your dog is vaccinated.
• Irish doctors and German engineers who want to immigrate must go through a rigorous vetting process, but any illiterate Central-American gang-banger who jumps the southern fence is welcome.
• $5 billion for border security is too expensive, but $1.5 trillion for “free” health care is not.
• If you cheat to get into college you go to prison, but if you cheat to get into the country you go to college for free.
• People who say there is no such thing as gender are demanding a female President.
• We see other countries going Socialist and collapsing, and it seems like a great plan to us.
• Some people are held responsible for things that happened before they were born, and other people are not held responsible for what they are doing right now.
• Criminals are catch-and-released to hurt more people, but stopping them is bad because it's a violation of THEIR rights.
• And pointing out all this hypocrisy somehow makes us "racists"?!
PLANO, TX—When ballparks finally open again, those standing for the traditional seventh-inning stretch will be singing some different lyrics to "Take Me Out to the Ballgame."
After over 100 years of selling its caramel popcorn snack under the name Cracker Jack, Frito-Lay announced today that it would be rebranded as the less offensive "Caucasian Jack."
"We are very sorry to all the crack---er, I mean, Caucasians we have hurt over the years," said a spokesperson. "Cracker is an offensive stereotype, and we must make sure that all foods and snack products are culturally sensitive. Think about all the white people who have had to suffer in silence as tens of thousands of baseball fans sang out the hurtful lyrics 'Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks.'"
"No more. The bigotry stops today."
The move was applauded by hurt white people, though they are still criticizing Frito-Lay for how pale and pasty-white the Cracker Jack guy is on the logo.
BRADFORD, NH—Following the arrest of Ghislaine Maxwell for sex abuse charges, the FBI is taking no chances in keeping her safe while she awaits trial. Sparing no expense, the FBI has hired top-notch Italian bodyguard Hiluigi Clintonelli.
“It's-a me, Clintonelli!” said the world-renowned bodyguard arriving at the prison.
Thanks to the particularly glowing reviews from high-profile individuals such as President Bill Clinton and Prince Andrew, all federal prison security checks were waived for Hiluigi. “There’s simply no one else that we trust to execute this job as she can.”
“Mamma mia, this simply will not do!” exclaimed Hiluigi Clintonelli as she forcefully cleared the room. She warned that anyone other than her could be a threat to Ghislaine’s life.
Clintonelli also connected all camera feeds to her personal server to ensure that all recorded video was properly secured.