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Old 03-27-2008, 09:29 AM   #1
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Default Taser

I got this on email but thought I would share it with everyone.....

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &
Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th
anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
I bought the
device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the damn thing and
pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however,
that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at
the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and
forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking
on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions
and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a
fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting
the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device.
pretty cute really and
(loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A
batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description...........
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with
her head cocked to one side as to say, ' don't do it dipshit,'
reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing
couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst
just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
button, and . . .


I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the
side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on
the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on
my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,
both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm
tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs...

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,
obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all
over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself
with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one
second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor.</DIV>

A minute or so later....... I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were
on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about
8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and
both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot
up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control
over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know
for sure and my sense of smell was gone.; I saw a faint smoke cloud
above my head which I believe it came from my hair. I'm still looking
for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly
threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being
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Old 03-27-2008, 09:35 AM   #2
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Default RE: Taser


That was funny. I have to copy and paste that to an e-mail.
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Old 03-27-2008, 09:38 AM   #3
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Default RE: Taser

That is funny! Think I'll pass on that! LMAO! :letsdrink
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Old 03-27-2008, 10:31 AM   #4
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Location: Orange Beach , AL
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Default RE: Taser

last year, got my wife one, daughter in college, two female employees.

Advised by Police woman who teaches self defense, the base way to use hand held tasers, if you feel threatend is to start yelling "what the hell do you want!" very loudly drawing attention to our self, then show them the spark from the taser. That should get someone to leave the area. But if you are walking out to your car, jogging, or feel unsafe to always have it on and ready, and if someone grabs you from behind, or around your neck, first response is to grab that persons hands, instead a shot to the leg or groin with your taser.

Last year UWG tried to confiscate my daughter's taser for unlawful weapon on campus, after many debates, not unlawful weapon in Georgia, and nowhere in ths school rules about tasers. Also advised them is my daughter was attacked on school campus and unable to defend herself, there will be hell to pay!

Now you can get tasers with electrified darts for civilians.:usaflag
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